jack's web(site) :3

hello!! i love the heta archive

i'm gonna be honest i'm just messing around on here, ignore this >///< well yeah we obviously couldn't tell by my amazing user, @theratsaresuffocating...... i'm just trying to learn html, it's very hard. but this is better than scratch and i ADORE website building!!! i'm sorry that was a lot of word vomit, i love talking. anyways, i'll get back to this when i figure it out! byeeee???? :P P.S. html is hard :( i might get my cousin to show me the ropes, heh

part 2 to the series!!

okay, well! i'm back, updating this site again! i might just treat it like something of a diary. because who's gonna find it anyway? i mean SERIOUSLY, who could think of the url 'theratsaresuffocating.yorniq.xyz'?? no one, exactly. >:) and i would rant about random things which i probably could because i'm in algebra as of now but honestly, i don't wanna unless it was creepypasta which my memory isn't even that good on anyway and i always mess up the lore even of my favorite characters, and the creepypasta site PLUS wiki is blocked on the wifi so i'm surprised that neocities isn't. same thing with homestuck, it was fine last year but ohhhh no! over the summer they finally got to it and i have no idea how, it didn't even deserve to be blocked really!! it doesn't even mention much but buckets!!!! but i guess at the end of the day there's nothing you can do but suck it up and cry. and i mean i might keep updating this, a lot better than going onto 4chan which i think is also blocked. let me check?? it is!!! well, i don't wanna be on there with those creeps anyway, those videos all make me feel weird. i mean where could you find SUCH a bait site as 4chan, it's honestly incredible. i've been feeling very anxious lately like someone's watching me, i wanna get tested for some psychotic disorders but no one believes me, am i imagining everything? i mean yeah, schizoprenia isn't common in my family but it could be the case and it's kind of scary. i mean, that disorder kills people ya know? but all i can do is deal with the nagging feeling that someone's watching me through my window while i sleep, not much i can do about it saying that i'm scared of everything anyway, but imagine i WAS getting stalked and it was just my amazing senses that told me that i could be, i mean i'd feel PRETTY smart if i do say so myself. also sorry for the weird typing but i just love talking and this is how i talk, i love capslocking words because i feel like it emphasizes my point but it all depends on what word you capslock and the clickity from my keyboard is kind of loud and eveyrone's taking an exam right now so it might be a be distracting so i'll get off. or maybe not, maybe it seems like i'm actually doing work instead of spouting nonsense into the world that is my index.html file. that makes me feel a lot better about this, yeah! watch me do my "work"! wink wink ;3. class ends in 10 minutes. off topic but do you ever just come up with rqandom acronyms and then never remember what they mean when the time comes because i always do that, i was reading a journal from a few years ago and there were all these shortened phrases i for some reason never gave a translation too, so goodluck ever figuring out what those mean. i mean, NBA?? what could tht possibly mean besides national badminton alcoholics! okay, okay, joking, joking. but seriously, WHAT?? and that log was not in the context of basketball either. a lot of people say that i could play basketball because i'm pretty tall but i've never had an interest, i mean i kinda suck at it but i don't really need to point that part out. what i do have interest in though is those dancing games at the arcade you know? dance dance revolution, pump it up, dancerush stardom, they're all so fun! especially drs, i love shuffling but piu is definitely second place because it has bad apple on it's machine, sorry ddr! but back to what i was getting at, i'm just gonna tell myself there is no one following me and it's just my anxiety, which actually did NOT work last time because last time i said something was my anxiety, i threw up in biochemistry so. yeah. it's actually a funny story besides throwing up a bunch of pills because i happened to have taken them on an empty stomach. and this was at the time i was struggling with my eating disorder thing so that didn't help either, sometimes i think it's still a problem but i'm getting a lot better with it, probably. i can't really tell anymore.

update after my last one was rudely interrupted..

kay sooo i was in science the last time i wrote, best believe my teacher shut that down immeidiately. also why does this keyboard suck, like i can not write smoothly and it's pissing me off. that is besides the point. god i was so cringe. i vividly rememeber writing that last entry. i mean, who am i fooling? i drink a monster a day and i don't consume any food. i just really wish i could keep it up though. it gets so hard to starve these days but how am i supposed to keep up appearances? they're only so many times i can be "not hungry" but for some reason i sneak off to the bathroom after i consume anything. every. time. anyways, not talking about me anymore. or my crippling disorders. new interests. i like fall out boy, andd uhhh fall out boy? patrick stump? yeah that's about it, honestly. god why did i write so much last time? i feel the overbearing need to do it again but i've gotten less interesting over the last year. i hope i don't get in trouble again. i wrote a lot of wise words last time and none of them were saved, very sad.

part 3!!! i'm gonna start dating these (7/1/26)

happy new year!!!!!!! honestly i can't believe i made it another year, seriously, who knew lil ol me could do it? like what the hell??? i'm still very much into fall out boy, maybe MORE into them. that'd be cool. i'm in math class, yet again. it seems the only time i find to write is during my education...weird. no, not really. i hate this place. and i highly dislike my teachers (except for mrs c and mr s); because hate is a strong word. i've started wearing more fall out boy shirts,, i have one for every day of the week. the 5 day week i mean. i'm not cool enough for 7, hah. has this turned into some weird sort of live blog? maybe. is that okay? probably. will they find my body when i'm dead? hope not. haha JOKES. I'M JOKING.

part..4?? idk i'm anxious and bored in math class (20/1/26)

for some reason whenever it gets too quiet i get anxious. i don't know why,, but my stomach hurts and i have the feeling of unrelentless dread building up in my stomach. i haven't started taking my meds everyday like paige told me too. honestly she might've not even told me to do that,, but i'm too scared to go back to her and clarify. i don't know why i'm getting worse. it's like my anxiety has been heightened and i've been getting stupider. more stupid??? idk!!!! but seriously what is going on with me??? i wanna say i'm lazy but i've barely had enough energy to shower, or to clean up, or to like. eat. and i don't know if it's just my glasses anymore but my headaches have been getting a lot worse. and the way i've looked at food for a few weeks now has been most obviously tainted. i mean,, i'm not one of those crazy anorexics on a binge-purge cycle but. it grosses me out, it makes me nauseous, and i hate having to look at myself afterwards. i've been doing weird periods of "intermittant fasting" or however you spell it. i think the longest i've really gone is two days. i think my mom is starting to notice how fixated i am on my weight. i'm happy i lost 10 pounds though. even if it was in the span of 2 months.. i hope i'll be skinny by freshman year. my band uniform will look better, and so will my face. i can't say i'm very tall so i wouldn't look weird skinny. like weird and lanky. but i'm also not short,, so. a lot of the time i feel invalidated. i'm not skinny,, so is my wl even really a problem. no one really notices you until you're on the brink of death anyway. i hate how quirky i was acting last year. i wanted to be mpdg so bad it's actually embarrassing. for some reason school makes me more anxious than it makes me happy anymore, i like lunchtime and the fact that staff don't care if i skip meals (no one notices) but everyday i feel like an anxious wreckage. but somehow not anxious enough. there are no visible signs,, i bite at my fingers and chew at the inside of my mouth. but i don't ever feel that it's obvious i'm struggling,, maybe it's not. i gave up on trying to actually learn html btw. i only do this nowadays so that i have somewhere to put my thoughts during school hours; and this is a bit more controlled than my notes app is. anyways back on topic, i'm never anxious enough to have full on panic attacks but enough that it effects the way i speak to people,, the way i view the world. it makes me feel unsafe. are my problems not serious enough? i know i was talking about feeling invalidated about my eating problems but what if i'm just faking everything. what if it's just all in my head as some self-torture method that i'm being forced to partake in my none other than god himself. or maybe this is all my fault. maybe i did something to piss someone off and this is what i get in return.

- on a good note, i am excited for highschool. i'm excited to take new classes and be in the marching band and hopefully finally switch instruments. i love the clarinet but i hate it at the same time,, not saying i'd want to switch to brass or anything. hell no.

haha this blurb is a lot longer than my previous ones. maybe this would be a good thing to bring up in therapy. maybe after all the damage is already done,, or maybe i'll be dead by then! haha hopefully. ha...hahahhahahaa god smite me down please

part 5!!! (23/2/26)

i started listening to music i actually enjoy again, and i think i'm finally starting to get,, yk, happy. i mean, my ed is still a problem and inside im practically miserable but it's managable now! again, again, i'm in math class. lol. buuuut, on the bright side. my birthday is in 2 weeks! as of today, at least. or tomorrow, i guess. i think it falls on a tuesday this year...classes have been good so far, i'm starting to slip when it comes to assignments but i don't think it's bad or will effect my grades!!! thank god,. i don't have much to write today saying my life has been weirdly uneventful. all i could talk about was the weird anxiety-depression episode i just got out of,, so. not very cool, extremely boring. sometimes i forget this is a public website and not something stupid like a livejournal. sorry guys, this is not meant to weird any of you out,, i just need somewhere to put my thoughts,, but if you actually like seeing my updates then sure! keep reading!,, althought i don't know why a diary site made by some emo 13 year old would be too interesting. but hey, maybe YOU'RE weird!!!. sorry i accidentally broke a bit of the fourth wall there, by baddd. i've been finding time to write more frequently but i never know what to write about anymore.....obviously i could talk about myself for ages but i can't say that i'm exactly interesting. oh! i got it. i stopped drinking monster everyday, although i am still fasting a loooooot. like. an alarming amount. hold on let me separate these blurbs real quick,, might make it easier to read

okay i'm back :) did i tell you guys i finally switched to bass clarinet in band? i know i said in my last update that i wished i was dead, but ever since switching i think i've been very happy with the change. which, for me isn't normal. god knows i can't handle change. but i'm handling this well, and it's fun! i'm starting to understand that some change isn't that bad afterall, i guess.

i'm back, tomorrow is my birthday :) (9/3/26)

soooo, highschool next year. i'm turning 14!!!! i'm terrified. honestly. like seriously, that's such a scary change? i get more independent, and i have to start doing everything myself now..i guess. this time i'm in social studies- we just registered for classes. i'm most likely taking band and astronomy! it's only 4 classes per semester because my highschool is on a 4x4 block schedule? i think that's what it's called? it's gonna be weird not having like. six freaking classes..// i'm not that nervous though, i know that i got this. my mom took me shopping yesterday, i got like. $200 worth of clothes at hollister it was craaaazy. i don't get why i fight with my mom so much. i love her, i promise i do. anyways, she took me shopping for summer clothes. i'm still fat but i'm excited to wear them,, kinda. i've started looking forward to updating this every once in awhile. even though i know, and hope that nobody is reading it. even though it's a public website. what's wrong with me??? these entries stopped being anxious rants awhile ago. i mean,, i'll babble on sometimes about myself personal life but now they're just life updates for a website people barely use. i think? it'd be nice to know people pay attention to me, but i also feel quite emmbarrased having my thoughts out there. for everyone to see. wouldn't you be too? i'm very excited for my birthday. my mama said that she got me things, which she doesn't normally do. i think it has something to do with the fact we have a lot more money now, which is good. i like seeing my parents happy. i would write much more, i have the urge in my bones- but i don't know what to write about!!! so, i'll just leave it like this and see if i update it tomorrow,, or later maybe. but i'll just log that under this one. it won't be it's own header, lol :P

im not doing well anymore. (30/3/26)

i feel like ive been getting worse, and i dont have the ability to work on this in school anymore (fucking ai blockers). i dont have anything to rely on anymore besides my anxiety meds and sedative? pills. i mean, my anxiety isnt as bad. but all my other problems just seem to be getting worse. ive been starving myself more and the more i look in the mirror, the more i just want to smash it. what am i supposed to do like this? i wont do anything to help myself but i wont let anyone help me either. my mom is an asshole, and god knows what my dad would say. ive been getting better at my guitar though, so at least i have something going for me. we have a concert band competition next month too. this entry isnt going to be as long as i wanted it to be, but ive run out of places to put my thoughts at this point. dont bother reading anymore, if anyone even is. i feel like a cornball.

everytime i come back here, it feels as if ive gotten worse (9/5/26)

its been a minute since i updated. things went well for a while, but theyre all going downhill. it feels like everyone i know just secretly hates me. i wasnt made to be liked and i was never considered as a first choice for any of my friends. everyone seems to have someone and i have no one. my suicidal thoughts have been getting worse, and the more stressed out i am; the more tempting it seems. is it normal to go straight to overdose because of such trivial things? i feel hopeless. all i am is some weird kid. all i can do is lay around and pretend these things dont bother me because crying wont get me anywhere. no ones ever gonna understand because no one cares. none of this was even real anyways. its not gonna matter after i kill myself. things will go exactly to how they were before. the earth will keep spinning. it wont prove a point, it wont prove anything im feeling was real. all this is so that i can gain attention; but will i even get that? everybody hates me. i dont act normal, i dont look normal. my parents deserved a better daughter. i dont do anything, all i do is lay around all day and pretend like im worth anything. im failing half of my classes, i barely turn my assignments in; i cant do anything right. this would make everything right. if i let go and finally did what everyones been hoping for for the last 14 years.

(10/5/26)

it feels like i mess everything up for the people around me. im too quiet, im too overbearing; i cant do anything right. i dont think that ill ever stop truly being miserable. sure i can suppress my anxiety, and hide my unobvious eating disorder. but at the end of the day, ill still sit and stare blankly at my ceiling praying to a god i dont even believe in that maybe my life could have a chance of getting better. was there something i did to deserve this? did i do it to myself? is this all my fault? im truly pathetic.

its better, im not (30/5/26)

i don't want to kill myself anymore, so that's a start. ive found lots of comfort in shows and stuff, but im still starving myself. why does my entire life revolve around calories? at this point its embarrassing. i wanted this entry to be longer, but i dont feel like writing anymore. i thought that i would. sorry, bye.